Codependency, Independency, and Interdependency: Choices, Choices, Choices

by LaTaYea

We live in a world of mixed messages, in an “Information Age” that touts technology capable of processing volumes of data at incredible speeds, connecting us all to “inter-net.” But my mind, my emotions, my psyche, my soul can’t keep up. It’s too much, too fast. And talk about confusion—my mind, eyes, and ears are bombarded with so many images in 5 minutes of TV commercials that I have to shut them off.

Now don’t get me wrong, I spent years “living in the fast lane,” trying to “keep up with the Jones’s.” (And by the way, who the heck are the Joneses, and why in the world do I need to keep up with them?) I’ve learned life is not a race, not to be run at a rat’s pace, spinning endlessly in a hamster wheel, only to become exhausted and fruitless. Life is a journey; an adventure. And who you travel with, and why, and how you traverse life’s paths become what is truly important.

In contemporary Western civilization we see a smorgasbord of choices everywhere we turn. Many of us have developed a not-so-healthy set of coping skills to deal with the onslaught of modern life and its demands, and most of us end up with some kind of imbalance in at least one area (or maybe more, if you’re like me). Finding balance and living in true harmony aren’t so easy. The false aspects of the American Dream teach goals of “having it all”—a great job, a gorgeous spouse, lots of money and possessions, expensive cars, big houses, name-brand everything, abundant luxury, and exotic vacations. But upon closer examination, seems like the puzzle is missing a few pieces.

What happened to the great ideals of the American Dream? What happened to families? What happened to kindness, compassion, forgiveness, confession, sharing, sacrifice, and respect for elders? What happened to inner peace and being our brother’s and sister’s keeper? What happened to the spiritual side of life? And what about God? (I didn’t notice Him there in the photo of Mr. & Mrs. America with their 3.2 kids, beach house, and Mercedes and Hummer in the 4-car garage.)

No wonder we’re all looking for those missing puzzle pieces—whether we realize it or not—because there’s a lot of empty spaces to fill. Trouble is, most of us use the wrong things to fill in the gaps, only to end up feeling empty again, wanting more, bigger, better...and believing that getting it would fix everything.

How we relate to our life is quite a balancing act. Some people seek the ultimate relationship, some love to shop, some want the “perfect” body, some desire wealth and luxury, while others want it all. There’s an old saying I used to hold as a motto, “If there’s a will, I want to be in it!” (Back then I was convinced that if you had enough money everything would be fine, and life would be great.)

I’ve changed my mind. Because I’ve seen too many people I love and/or admire making choice after choice that led to pain, disappointment, and loss, and I’ve experienced my own struggles...trying to find the “right” relationship, buy all the right things, shop at the right stores, drive the right car, etc., to no avail. How we relate—to both the people and the things in our lives—needs some serious re-examination.

Let’s start with relating to people. A lot of buzz words have been coined to name the issues plaguing society today, words like codependency, obesity, racism, addiction, dominatrix, etc. Then, instead of finding solutions within for difficulties, our society developed another term, Political Correctness (“PC”)—coining words like gravitationally-challenged, African-American, feminist movement, alternative lifestyle, etc.—so we could politely, inoffensively all agree to ignore the big pink elephants in the living room and feel OK about it.

Well, we shouldn’t feel OK about it. Too many people are suffering to just stick our heads in the sand, and society is flushing itself right down the toilet with our individualistic, self-centered attitudes and lifestyles. (Sorry, the soap box is always close at foot....) We need to look at relating to people and things in a whole new way. Let’s get real—how much better of a person are you because you drive a BMW or Jaguar? (I was into SAABs, on my way to a Mercedes, before I caught myself—and if anything, my car [and my attitude that went with it] made me a worse person not a better one).

Let’s talk about our relationships with food, and sex, and money, and power, and titles/positions, jobs, drugs, alcohol, shopping, the opposite sex (or same sex), gambling, smoking,...need I go on? How balanced are we really, as individuals and as a society, in any number of areas? For decades I have failed these tests on most fronts and watched many others around me failing as well.

One of my biggest stumbling blocks since childhood has been codependency. The whole concept of co-depending on someone or something else is a false hope. It places power outside of yourself—for everything from your own happiness to your sanity to your self-worth—because you’re always looking for something or someone to make you feel better, to make life OK, instead of taking responsibility for your situation and facing life and its challenges head-on. Life is hard work, and that’s not a big “Best Seller” in Western society these days.

So where do the real solutions (not just the Band-Aids, which only hide the wounds from sight) lie to these inappropriate relationships we find ourselves in? Where is the real medicine for the soul? I believe it starts with developing your own personal, genuine relationship with God, our Universal Father. And then, beginning to see the world as one big planetary family. For we are just that; in all our beautiful and diverse cultures, we are all God’s children, and that makes us brothers and sisters, forever (including everyone in Iraq). How do you treat a brother or sister? How do you think we ought to treat each other, in the spirit of brother-/sisterhood, knowing God is our Father universally? I imagine the world would be quite different if we did things according to God’s ideas, rather than our own.

But oooooh, there I go being totally not “PC”—I mentioned the “G” word (God). And worse yet, I suggested you might have to do some work, and change your paradigms. Now that’s downright scary. I know, because I’m trying to do that very thing: change my mind. Change what I value, who I value, why I value things and people, and even, be so bold as to walk away from certain people, places, and things that only harm me. I got off the hamster wheel. That’s been a tough one. In the illusion of the seeming comfort of all the inappropriate ways of relating to life (“ignorance is bliss”), it’s really difficult to build up the momentum to get ourselves to do it differently (and hopefully better). Frankly, without God as the foundational relationship, no other relationships—with people or things—will truly work for the highest common good of all. (Hmmm....now that’s a new spin... “the common good of all”...what the heck does that mean? Think about it.)

While I’m at it, let me throw a few other new concepts at ya’. Ever hear of complementary relationships? It’s the idea that people should seek to be a complement, a positive influence and factor in each other’s lives, bringing good and unique qualities to the relationship—whether between husband and wife, parent and child, friends, teacher and student, boss and employee, or whatever.

And how about the loss of the true teacher/student relationship? When was the last time you sought out an “elder” in your life—at work, or within your family, or in life at large? I always felt like “I have to do it myself,” and anything else was a sign of weakness. Ever hear of “inter-dependency”? It’s quite different from co-dependence and independence. Interdependency honors the connectedness of all life on the planet and stresses the importance that each individual is part of a bigger whole. Everything and everyone impacts everything and everyone else, believe it or not.

Then, how about considering the age of the souls in your life? “Oh my gosh, I don’t believe in reincarnation...this woman writing this article is crazy!” OK, maybe I am, but what does that have to do with me presenting expanded and new concepts? What if there’s truth in what I write? What if you did begin to entertain the idea of trying to discern who in your life is a new soul versus an older one (who lived before, perhaps many times)? Which soul type do you consider yourself? Wouldn’t it make a big difference if one of your children was an older soul than you, even if they’re only six years old right now? What if you’re an older soul, and everyone around you is brand new? Wouldn’t that put quite a spin on just about everything? The possibilities are endless.

What if for some women, their strong dominance over the men in their lives is astral (meaning they’ve lived before and had this response as a pattern)? What if they’ve been relating to men that way for lifetimes, walking in imbalance? This is another area where I’ve got some personal experience, and Prozac or a nightly cocktail after work won’t fix it; I’ve tried both.

Somehow, the questions just get bigger don’t they? You try to resolve one issue, and three more pop up. How disconcerting. But remember, life takes hard work. And there’s good news: these new concepts (and many more) are all part of what’s called Continuing Fifth Epochal Revelation. It’s presented in a series of books known as The Cosmic Family volumes, which shed an incredible amount of light on all kinds of inappropriate vs appropriate relationships, first and foremost focused on our relationship with God.

These days, I still hold fast to that same old motto of mine, “If there’s a will, I want to be in it,”—except now it’s God’s will I want to be in. Otherwise, I don’t have any decent yardstick of how to relate in balance—to anyone or any thing.